Things aren’t quite as rosey as I made them sound in my last post, but thanks to your encouraging comments, I’m fighting just as hard. I just got a little ahead of myself, I suppose
I’ve been kicking my own butt to get things done and considering the chronic sinus infection interrupting my sleep and making me grumpy, I’ve accomplished a lot. Then, a day like today pops up. I have 4 missed calls from the nurse who is handling a waiver interview for me, I have a pile of paperwork to redo for a housing application and after 5 pages, I feel lost and worried I messed up, but there’s no one to reach now. The only medication that allows me to speak and breathe is one I shouldn’t take because of my heart and the persistent tachycardia that has me at risk for stroke! Yesterday was my first trip to a store with my dad pushing my chair and the frustration and extra effort I’ve been trying to manage for several years all on my own, is stuff that makes him intolerable to be around. I can’t help but feel down. I was reminding myself to stay cautiously optimistic regarding housing, but at this moment, I have tears in my eyes and I feel stuck in a futile battle.
I’m taking a break to write this, but also to remind myself that I do need to keep working, and most of all, reach out to G-d when I’m feeling so discouraged. I put so much pressure on myself. At times I’m sure it’s me who is the problem. Something I’m doing is preventing me from getting what I so desperately need. This is hugely counterproductive, but really hard to shake when so much of this journey is paved with failure. When things didn’t work out for me as a child, this was the message I was sent: I did something wrong or didn’t do enough and this outcome was deserved. Of course I know this was never true, but I’m very lost in this process and because of my own schema, I don’t even know how to yell for help. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m afraid to grab someone’s hand because there could be strings attached, or they could give me bad advice, or they might just really care, but not enough to do anything about it.
I want off the hopelessness rollercoaster. I want to learn to ask for help when I’m unsure of something. I can’t last much longer where I am living right now. I crawl to get around, I can’t bathe properly, I can’t do laundry, I’m scared of even leaving this jail cell of a room because of what I encounter, and I endure physical injuries on a daily basis. I’ve used an entire large bottle of hydrogen peroxide just this week from a the cuts, scratches and abrasions. I roll over in bed and a line of bruises send searing pain up my spine. This house may really kill me before I can get out!
Please pray for me. Pray I listen more closely to G-d and stop the self-blame. I can’t help but feel less than human in this environment (anyone would), but I can change how I view myself in other ways and I can have hope. I’ve taken a huge step forward and this time, I won’t question my choice. I will give it all my effort and rekindle the hope that has been torn down over and over.
I have now found out the earliest chance at an apartment becoming available is about 2 years away. This includes apartments that are independent from the government agencies. I’m filling out every application for Long Island housing, but have continued to branch out on my own to upstate New York and other states.
I have to get back to filling out forms and waiting for phone calls because I will be out of here soon. If it means another shelter, I will do it.