Hooray, my brain is back to work! I only have symptoms here and there now. I feel so much better, but I’m concerned it could happen again. I’m not following up with the neurologist or seeing a rheumatologist. I really just want nothing more than a break right now. Plus, that last neuro actually tried to force my elbow into hyperextension! Who puts their hands on a patient in a way that could inflict pain or cause damage?! I’m so sick of doctors.
My cousin whom I grew up with had a baby girl a few months ago. I haven’t seen her yet, but the baptism/christening (whichever the Catholic thing is) is next weekend and despite all the jerks that I would be stuck in a room with, I would like to attend. I’m mad at my body for not being up to it, but it’s simply too much to ask of it. Walking is difficult and painful. More so than usual. My shoulders are so swollen some shirts are actually tight across the neck!
The important thing is that the reason I’m not going is because of concern for myself and not based on input or opinions of anyone else. My mother has been badgering me about RSVPing for 2 straight weeks. Actually, the only reason she has contacted me was to ask if I’m attending this event. Curious. I never know her intentions, but I’d venture to guess it has something to do with how oh so embarrassed she’d be to have her cripple, childless daughter present. That’s not imagined. She’s said just that plus more, but the rest is irrelevant to the point I’m trying to make. How on earth did an a truth-loving, caring individual come from her DNA? Clearly, I’m really an adopted pod person.
I know gossip and criticism of me is already circulating. In fact, I just sent my cousin an e-mail explaining just what I shared here about my physical concerns and even proposing we get together soon so I can meet her beautiful little bundle. We’re not exactly friends, but I do wish her well and after missing the baby shower because the restaurant was an hour away and not accessible, I still don’t want her to feel I don’t care. I genuinely do. The problem is, they all get my mother’s version of things which is guaranteed to be inaccurate at the very least, but they take it as gospel. Then there’s the issue of widespread, mean-spirited gossip that runs rampant in this group of relatives. Crazy thing is, false and even mean gossip about me often makes its way to be somehow. I no longer take any of it to heart, but it doesn’t make me any less uncomfortable pretending to like or respect certain family members. I certainly don’t feel welcome around them.
Wow. I sent that e-mail to my cousin just before I started to type this, and I can see that my aunt/her mother is already calling my mother. That’s pretty funny and not at all surprising! I’m a little bothered that inaccurate info about me circulates, but they aren’t really my family. G-d has provided me a great family. We don’t share blood, but it’s clear we were chosen to be a part of each others lives. Unfortunately, we’re all pretty far apart geographically, but I have a closer, more meaningful relationship with them than I ever had with many of the relatives I have by blood or marriage. I’m very blessed.
That said, may G-d bless this baby girl all through her life with health, happiness and love. I haven’t met her yet, but know she’ll be capable of anything she sets her mind to.