Hijacked brain

Writing takes thought, which is difficult for me still. I’d say things have improved, but they haven’t. It’s just that I’ve just been in my bedroom since my last post. No chance of getting physically lost again or taking the better part of an hour just trying to put shoes on.

I do have some moments that are better than others. An hour ago I couldn’t have written this because I was exhausted. I took my first real shower in several days and realized it is indeed too much for me to safely get to the first floor, take a shower, put clothes on and crawl back upstairs. I had to give it a try after spending the later half of yesterday and early today, scratching myself to the point of bleeding! I had some sort of allergic reaction and thinking it was something I came in contact with, I should really wash any existing irritant off. I’m still a little itchy, btw! 😣

Today I awoke thinking I’m a lost cause. That no one will step up and help. It’s mid January and no word on possible housing. Having these cognitive difficulties has brought with it a low mood. I had been so determined up until today. I think that’s just frustration talking because I am so anxious and embarrassed to communicate verbally. I haven’t returned a single non doctor phone call since the confusion and all that began. I feel dumb when I speak. I wonder if what I’m saying even makes sense. I’m aware I use the wrong words a lot. I occasionally stutter. I suddenly can’t remember my own birthdate or other important information. I don’t feel like myself or sound like myself and it’s upsetting.

The timing is just awful. I need to be working on my medical needs and accessible housing full-force, but my brain has been hijacked and I don’t even know why yet. Will it just go away? Will it only get worse? How am I supposed to write letters to government officials when a casual bit of writing like this takes me hours, sometimes not all in one day?!

I’m having a rough go of it, but can’t even adequately explain why I can’t easily express myself. Does that even make sense? My dad’s accompanied me to all these tests and exams of my brain and I haven’t even been able to talk to him about what goes on inside my head. I’m still in here, I’ve just been hijacked! Bear with me!

Anyway, tomorrow is a new start and I’ll do the best I can physically and mentally. That’s all I should expect of myself. It’s all any of us should, disabled or not. Be proud and grateful  if whatever you are able to accomplish. That’s what I’m going to try to stick to!


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