One of my all-time favorite movies is the original, animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I’d sing along with Boris Karloff at age 5. Oddly enough, I often rooted for the villain. I recently asked my mother if they thought I was odd for loving Maleficent and the Evil Queen and all of the bad guys. Apparently not, but it wasn’t encouraged. I had all the Disney princess stuff growing up even though I would’ve preferred an evil doll!
Despite the public displays of frustration, fighting matches and stress that came with the holidays, I still liked them. I liked dressing up, cooking yummy things and seeing relatives. I was about to say I still do, but that would be a lie. I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t want to go anywhere nor see anyone nor anything holiday-ish. In fact, I haven’t had much desire to take care of myself. I struggle to shower which is a big deal for someone who can’t go 24 hours without washing their hair. I don’t do my nails and makeup is only vaguely interesting to me. Very much unlike me. My mood hasn’t been low enough to do this to me in over 10 years. I’ve had some really bad points since, but I’ve never neglected caring for myself. I’m a little worried.
My sleep has also been wacky and I’m not adjusted to the day ending so early. That’s the one aspect of Fall I hate. I like sunshine and I hate when it’s dark before evening. I’m also in more pain which is either from too many hours laying in bed, depression or my medication just isn’t cutting it. I feel numb, frustrated, hopeless and I can’t concentrate or focus and I lose my train of thought mid-sentence.
The scariest thought that entered my mind this week was how I wished I was still in a shelter and able to avoid holiday stuff. Am I really that unhappy here? I have a strong desire to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Most of all, I’m afraid I’ll never be on my own and why suffer through this just to repeat it year after year? If I weren’t a cripple, I’d leave here, but running away isn’t as simple as I dream it would be.
I’m sorry for the gloomy post, but it’s just what’s really going through my head and what I’m experiencing. I’m as transparent as possible when I write here. I do wish you all a safe and Happy Thanksgiving! I hope my next one will be much different.