In limbo

As far as what step is next, your guess is as good as mine. Well, I still hope to go into a safe house despite the phone intake process already scaring the crap out of me! My greatest fear is being trapped, and at first, being referred out made me feel hopeless and trapped all over again. Suffice it to say, last night was a very dark one for me. My nerves were so shot and that chance at freedom so fleeting. I thought I was going to crack.

I intend on pursuing this once the staff I need to speak with is available on Monday. However, I learned the policies and rules of another safe house, but they had me feeling uneasy to say the least. No social media. I get that. Some people are dumb or careless and giving away the location of such a place can lead to a dangerous situation for everyone there. The problem is, my friends from this blog and instagram have been the only thing to keep me going through struggles, sickness, anxiety, etc. and without all of you to bounce things off of, I’d feel completely alone. It’s hard enough being thrown into a strange place with strange people and not having the comfort of something familiar, something you’ve come to depend on. There were a few other things that made me hesitant to follow through, but this is a biggie. To hear that you’d be kicked out, no questions asked, if caught using any social media is frightening. I have a very small support system locally. Most of the friends I can reach out to are a considerable distance away. Having means other than e-mail and texting available to me is absolutely critical.

One thing about being referred elsewhere is positive. I was not expecting to hear this program was very short-term and if I couldn’t find more permanent housing whilst there, I’d be facing real homelessness. I would most certainly end up on the street. The place I’m now considering has a transitional program for those who require a longer stay or more assistance in finding a place to live long-term, if necessary. With holidays approaching, I don’t see the emergency shelter workers being that concerned with connecting you with resources whose staff are likely taking more vacation days than any other time of year to begin with.

I was ready to give up. I still may end up feeling that way, but if I don’t at least give the safe house a try, I’ll continue to suffer here and this isn’t living. It hasn’t been living for over a decade.

If indeed I go and this blog is an issue for the staff, a few friends of mine have graciously offered to posting here for me. I think reading but not actually posting from the IP where I am is viable loophole to work with! I’ve also created a private instagram solely to post updates related to my personal life and hopefully keep this blog going. You’re all welcome to follow @ZebraCourage and I always follow back! It may seem ever so slightly pathetic, but yes, a bunch of people from the internet are my support system. To top it all off, I’m purposely getting away from the only family I’ve had.

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