A trying day

It was indeed a particularly trying day. Terrible, actually. I have difficulty putting aside logic and the need for finding the right words and not just letting emotion flow. This is something I was aware of, but didn’t know any other way. My therapist has been a great help in pointing out my wordiness and stoic expression that don’t exactly inspire empathy or compassion from others. Today, all bets were off. I was already emotionally worn down upon waking and then faced a verbal attack from which I could not escape. It was enough to have me crying through my 45 minute therapy session of course, the moment I left her office, I was once again numb and to me, all that came of it was worsening of an already bothersome headache.

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The sky was inspiring today. Photo taken near Republic Airport.

The weather was beautiful today, which undoubtedly helped me from choosing to go home, get back in bed and give up. As bad as my day began and despite my outright fear, I saw the potential for a day just as beautiful in the future that will be as it should- peaceful and maybe even joyful. I have no idea how this hopefulness or optimism continues to break through the past trauma, current abuse and medical neglect, but it’s the only reason I’m alive today. Something within me will not allow for that tiny beam of hope to die. Yes, it becomes clouded at times, but it’s forever present. In all honesty, I see it as both a blessing and a curse. There are days I hate that I’ve allowed myself to continue to live in what are absolutely horrible circumstances with my needs always coming last, if at all!

Right now, I’m staying focused on the task at hand, which is to find a domestic abuse organization who can house me until a more permanent solution comes. My therapist has decided to focus all my sessions up until then on making sure nothing gets in the way of this plan and that I can feel confident that temporary homelessness is the right and necessary choice.

If all goes according to plan, I should be in a shelter situation by the end of October. I promise to continue to blog throughout this process and appreciate your support and encouragement more than I’m able to express. I’m finally doing what I need to do to save myself. I can do this!

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11 thoughts on “A trying day

  1. Yes, you CAN do this. That hopeful optimism comes from a heart that refuses to be pressed down, a spirit that is indomitable and a soul that refuses to be kept down. You are a wonderful person, strong and loving. You deserve more and you WILL get it. This is just a bump in the road dear. Keep going!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really needed to hear this right now. I can’t thank you enough. I don’t know what you see in me, but I’m hoping you’re exactly right! I just found out there isn’t a spot available in the safe house closest to my doctors and such and I feel discouraged and afraid to call the next place. I’m going to keep reading your words until I can talk myself into taking the next step. Thank you. You’re a blessing! Dani

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang in there…even a small shred of hopefulness is better than giving up! You are not a quitter (obviously)…don’t beat yourself up for the past….look to the future! Hugs coming your way, my love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right, I can’t let the past effect how things turn out now. I have a difficult time not coming to their defense or just forcing myself to believe that what I deal with is acceptable. I just wish I had realized this years ago, but forward thinking from now on!

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  3. Even a tiny ray of light pierces the darkness. And kudos to you for noticing the beautiful weather and expending the energy to be in the moment. It takes a strong soul — which you undoubtedly have. Many happy, healing thoughts and prayers coming your way. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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