It was indeed a particularly trying day. Terrible, actually. I have difficulty putting aside logic and the need for finding the right words and not just letting emotion flow. This is something I was aware of, but didn’t know any other way. My therapist has been a great help in pointing out my wordiness and stoic expression that don’t exactly inspire empathy or compassion from others. Today, all bets were off. I was already emotionally worn down upon waking and then faced a verbal attack from which I could not escape. It was enough to have me crying through my 45 minute therapy session of course, the moment I left her office, I was once again numb and to me, all that came of it was worsening of an already bothersome headache.
The weather was beautiful today, which undoubtedly helped me from choosing to go home, get back in bed and give up. As bad as my day began and despite my outright fear, I saw the potential for a day just as beautiful in the future that will be as it should- peaceful and maybe even joyful. I have no idea how this hopefulness or optimism continues to break through the past trauma, current abuse and medical neglect, but it’s the only reason I’m alive today. Something within me will not allow for that tiny beam of hope to die. Yes, it becomes clouded at times, but it’s forever present. In all honesty, I see it as both a blessing and a curse. There are days I hate that I’ve allowed myself to continue to live in what are absolutely horrible circumstances with my needs always coming last, if at all!
Right now, I’m staying focused on the task at hand, which is to find a domestic abuse organization who can house me until a more permanent solution comes. My therapist has decided to focus all my sessions up until then on making sure nothing gets in the way of this plan and that I can feel confident that temporary homelessness is the right and necessary choice.
If all goes according to plan, I should be in a shelter situation by the end of October. I promise to continue to blog throughout this process and appreciate your support and encouragement more than I’m able to express. I’m finally doing what I need to do to save myself. I can do this!