Spasms and Anxiety

I just woke from a nap a short time ago. I had taken a muscle relaxant due to a back spasm right at the bottom of my ribcage. Before the meds, I couldn’t move much nor take a deep breath. How did this happen? Well, I moved. Yes, I just moved my body in a way it was not happy with. If you have degenerative spinal disease like me or similar back issues, you know just how horrible this feels! My doctor long ago suggested I always keep a few of these pills on me so I can take one the moment the spasm starts. I am so grateful for this advice which should be commonsense, I guess, but it has kept me off bedrest and functional countless times.

To be honest, I had a moment of sheer panic while I was laying in bed with my giant stuffed unicorn waiting for the meds to kick in. All of the sudden, I started to think of getting my important papers out, doing laundry and re-packing the bag I have for a swift escape. As each day goes by, I get closer to having to go with the option of finding a domestic violence shelter that will take me until something more permanent comes my way.

How would I carry this bag? How would I manage when walking is difficult on a good day? Will I end up trapped here? It doesn’t help that my mother started another war yesterday I had had to endure 2 hours of screaming, slamming doors, the whole thing. I wish I had noise cancelling headphones, so at the very least, I could check out (and not in the scary PTSD way).

I feel so utterly helpless. I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself given the circumstances, but obstacles keep popping up. I’m afraid I can’t escape. I’m afraid no organization will help me. I’m afraid I’ll get too sick to leave. I’m so afraid.

I have one month….

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