Sometimes details of past trauma surface at the most unexpected times. Even times when you’re doing your damnedest not to deal with trauma symptoms, which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been shoving it all aside and fought off memories and flashbacks and decided to at least hope I can be in denial. I functioned this way for years. I pushed the bad out of my head and just lived life the way I thought I was supposed to. Just being typical for my age at the time.
I am unable to leave this kind of stuff at therapy, so it was safest to avoid talking about it. Today, I felt possessed and blurted out some details in therapy that recently surfaced very vividly. I regret this terribly. I can’t cope during the in-between. I have to live with it and speaking it aloud or putting it on paper gives it life. These are the times safe, healthy, healing hospitalization would be extremely helpful. Perhaps lifesaving. Unfortunately, the most recent time I was sexually assaulted, was in one of these so-called safe places.
This leaves me with no options. If I don’t feel safe with my thoughts, there’s nowhere to go for help. There’s nowhere safe. Even in my better moments, this world isn’t one I belong in. I feel like a Martian among humans with no one to relate to. No one who experiences life the way I do.