I’ve been having hours go by where I become so immersed in an activity, I end up with my body sore, my eyelids heavy and feeling shaky from dehydration. I’d love to say it’s been productive time passing me by, but it hasn’t. I become so focused on a meaningless activity like decorating a journal with washi tape or organizing my skin care products and can’t seem to snap out of the obsessive need to keep going. I’m sure this sounds harmless, and in a way, it’s a good distraction, but it has become a series of unhealthy preoccupations.

There is so much unpleasantness and worry spinning around in my mind, that I’m starting to think it may be a way of coping with reality. That, or the increase in anxiety meds has me wired like it has done in the past at higher dosages. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, my mind needs a rest.

Today, the weather so bleak and miserable was reflective of my mood. I couldn’t take it. I managed to work myself into a severe headache and for a few hours, I couldn’t even will myself to move. I was probably just some much needed rest, but it felt awful. I just felt so down, so vulnerable to my own exhaustive worry and fear.

I guess you could say a break could do me some good. I’d do anything to be away from everything for a few days. Hell, I’d do anything to be able to go out on my own and do something I want to do, at my own pace and for forever how long I wish to. To top it all off, I’m feeling like a prisoner more today than usual. Just adding to the unpleasant feelings. Trapped in this house. Trapped in this body.

2 thoughts on “Focused

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