I wrote most of a post I intended to finish this (Friday) morning which described a “night from hell.” I may finish it later, but I can barely find these words right now. I feel like a shell with everything inside it dead. I don’t really feel anything lately. To be accurate, I feel things physically, but not emotionally.
Last night I had a full blown panic attack. Something that hasn’t occurred in years, or at least I haven’t a more recent memory of one. It was so sudden that I thought for sure I had finally become the victim of my undealt with grief or maybe it was really a heart attack in disguise. It’s not that far-fetched. EDS patients can die without warning from vascular problems, afterall. I don’t recall when the terror subsided or what happened after. I assume I just eventually calmed down enough to fall asleep.
Tonight went quite differently. I’ve felt wired and very much awake all day despite having to force myself out of bed this morning. I was hopeful that meant I’d fall asleep more easily tonight. It is now 3 A.M. I’m laying in my bed typing this after finding myself curled in a ball on the ground in my backyard. It’s bizarre! I don’t remember leaving my room at all and certainly not making it downstairs which is a struggle to start with. I was panicked when I discovered myself outside like that. I took some Xanax and I’m calm enough to form these words, but my mind is still unable to focus easily. My body still reacting physically. I think I’ve lost my mind. I think it’s set to self-destruct and on autopilot and I can’t override it. Actually, I’m not panicking like I think I should be. I feel nothing. I’m confused, but not anxious or really much of anything.
My mind is telling me I’ve finally lost it and logically that should have me feeling some level of fear, but no. I’m just typing in the dark and wishing I could just sleep. I’m too exhausted to try to make sense of any of this.