Dredging up feelings

…both old and new. I’m really at odds with so many different facets of myself. None of it the adaptive, good kind of realizations, just more to add to the pile of “this is so insanely and painfully pointless.”

My therapist checks in with a call daily, mainly to keep me out of the hospital, I reckon. Today she suggested a mantra of “nothing is happening yet” because I have been so overwhelmingly anxious about what my next move will be after getting a lot of ideas thrown at me during my consultation yesterday.

Most of the proposed ideas are just plain scary! This isn’t uncharted territory, it’s another universe they suggest I embark on! Everything from various legal actions, relocating and therefore becoming temporarily homeless, going to the media, etc. and ultimately leaving the life I am so miserable in, but so “comfortable” with at the same time. I read in a great blog I follow today how whether you stay where you are or take the leap, there is pain. That hit me. New, unfamiliar pain is terrifying, but how is my current situation any less terrifying if I can be on the outside looking in? Reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite Depeche Mode songs:

I’m not sure
What I’m looking for anymore
I just know
That I’m harder to console
I don’t see who I’m trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

All this running around
Well it’s getting me down
Just give me a pain that I’m used to
I don’t need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

Can’t conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

As humans we prefer the pain we’re used to. There’s some comfort in knowing what is coming. That’s one reason people stay in domestic abuse situations. In fact, it’s my main reason. Aside from a lack of resources, all these years have been painful, but familiar. The past year or so, my mother’s behavior has become erratic, unpredictable and bizarre. It’s not the usual brand of pain she tends to inflict. I think I’ve identified a catalyst other than just my physical safety and comfort…

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4 thoughts on “Dredging up feelings

  1. Hope. I hope that keeps you stable. I can’t understand your pain, every person is different, but I can feel it. You’re right that the unknown seems more fearful than the known, even in case of pain and hurt. I hope you take the plunge though. Best of luck

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very moving post, my dear. I love Depeche Mode (saw them in concert in Germany in 1985) & I’ve always loved these lyrics. Yes, there is always pain in change, but sometimes it’s better to make a quick painful cut rather than a slow painful tear. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • We really were meant to be sisters! Depeche Mode is my favorite band of all time. I saw them at Jones Beach during the Angel tour. It was an incredible show! I think change is my only chance and I’m ready to leap. I’m just waiting on everyone else now! XO

      Liked by 1 person

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