Desperation

I don’t know where to turn. I’ve exhausted all options I’m aware of. My extended family has not been supportive, social services and domestic violence services refuse to get involved.

I have therapy tomorrow morning and I dread going. As much as I’d kick myself for not going, I am laying in bed right now considering the pros and cons. How much longer can I repeat the same words and stories over and over and expect some sudden solution to appear? Isn’t that akin to the the saying about repetition being insanity??

I look every single day for possibilities to pursue, but my motivation is dwindling. I don’t have a desire to do much of anything. Getting dressed seems pointless and far too much work right now. I honestly don’t know what holds me together when I’m struggling this badly. I don’t know if whatever is holding me together will suddenly stop working.

I can’t think clearly. I’m exhausted by faking “OK” and carrying on like nothing’s wrong. I’m so afraid to be honest about how I’m feeling. Some well-meaning, but I’ll-informed person could rat on me and I’d be on the lion’s den of a psych hospital again

Please know I’m trying my hardest and I stay in touch daily with my therapist. I just can’t accept that living the way I am will eventually be the end of me. How is the OK to those I’ve asked for help? When you’ve been told for so long that your needs don’t matter, you often believe it.

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