Laying low, feeling low.

The past two weeks I’ve been able to avoid all appointments aside from therapy. It’s a nice break as I rarely go a week without a medical appointment of some kind. This break allows me to pretend that I’m not a professional patient. I get so tired of talking symptoms, medication and tests!

I’ve been putting off a few appointments, but with the amount of pain I’ve been in, the last thing I wanted was all I mentioned above. It really gets my mood low. I go through so much and in the end, I don’t feel any better and my life doesn’t improve in the least. Quite often, I receive bad news or a reminder of the severity of things. But maybe the worst is being told “I can’t help you.” I can’t bear the idea of living the rest of my life like this.

When I’m home, I deal with a chaotic, upsetting dynamic. When I’m out I have to navigate the world with a walker or wheelchair and a lot of limitations. I’d do anything to even have the slightest chance to get appropriate housing and live independently.

If I must continually feel anxious, fear the next blow up and not be able to properly cope with PTSD symptoms, what kind of quality of life is that? I know it worsens my pain, too. Days like today, it just isn’t worth it to me. I feel trapped, alone and doomed to be stuck here until it kills me.

I feel so helpless and hopeless right now and having to fake happy is wearing on me. I’m capable of so much more, but my living situation holds me back from nearly all of it. Is there any place for me?

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5 thoughts on “Laying low, feeling low.

  1. Hello my friend. I’m not sure of your faith life, but I want you to know that I am praying for you and believing for a miracle for you. I have seen deaf ears opened, legs grow out longer (when one is shorter), and many other miraculous healings. It’s a miracle that I’m alive and walking (well, not right now as I am recovering from surgery) after my accident, as the doctor’s told me six years ago that I would never walk again . . . Speak life and healing over yourself rather than agreeing with the diagnosis’s (is that a word??) and word curses of the doctors. We are the same age and going through the ringer, but we CAN find joy in the journey and have hope in our healing. Check out the book “Dancing Hand of God” by James Maloney when you have a chance, or watch some of his You Tube videos. He is an awesome man of God with an amazing testimony. Be BLESSED! ❤

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    • Hi Jennifer. I definitely believe in miracles and the power of prayer even more so. As horrid as some days are, I’m still thankful for them. I do also believe G-d is merciful and did not intend for us to suffer needlessly or excessively. Thanks so much for your comment. Its good to know others believe in these things so strongly.

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      • You are most welcome. 🙂 Yes, all sickness and disease come from the pit of hell. God’s word is clear that he loves us and desires for us to be whole and healed. A lot of it comes down to us truly believing in what was accomplished at the cross, and not our current circumstances. (Easier said than done I know). I’ve been pouring over Todd White teachings during this recovery, and he has really provided me with revelation as to God’s love and the Christian walk. He talks about how so many believers are in bondage because they really don’t believe what God says in His word. Check him out if you get a chance. He has a great one called “Christian Supernatural Reality.” He’s beat boxing for the first 5 minutes, so you can skip that! 😜 (He’s an interesting dude!) I pray that I can get to where he is spiritually. It’s really long, so I watch about 20 minutes a day because there is so much to take in and I end up stopping it to write it down! 😜 He also has a lot of teachings on healing. Be blessed!

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  2. I think that you will get out of that house when it’s time. Unfortunately, there is only ONE who decides timing. We must pray without ceasing. 🙂

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  3. Hi Jennifer. I was really struck by your post. It hit home for me and I can relate in quite a few ways. I also have Ehlers Danlos-type III hypermobility, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and POTS. I have anxiety disorders and am in recovery from an eating disorder. I feel like I stare at the same gray walls of my room all day and the highlight of my day would be going to an appointment….scary, right? I, too use a walker when I leave the house to help me get around and I always feel so self concious. Anyways, I wanted to say I think you are incredibly brave and strong and I appreciate EVERYTHING you have to say. You have a home, my dear…know that you are not alone ❤

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