The past two weeks I’ve been able to avoid all appointments aside from therapy. It’s a nice break as I rarely go a week without a medical appointment of some kind. This break allows me to pretend that I’m not a professional patient. I get so tired of talking symptoms, medication and tests!
I’ve been putting off a few appointments, but with the amount of pain I’ve been in, the last thing I wanted was all I mentioned above. It really gets my mood low. I go through so much and in the end, I don’t feel any better and my life doesn’t improve in the least. Quite often, I receive bad news or a reminder of the severity of things. But maybe the worst is being told “I can’t help you.” I can’t bear the idea of living the rest of my life like this.
When I’m home, I deal with a chaotic, upsetting dynamic. When I’m out I have to navigate the world with a walker or wheelchair and a lot of limitations. I’d do anything to even have the slightest chance to get appropriate housing and live independently.
If I must continually feel anxious, fear the next blow up and not be able to properly cope with PTSD symptoms, what kind of quality of life is that? I know it worsens my pain, too. Days like today, it just isn’t worth it to me. I feel trapped, alone and doomed to be stuck here until it kills me.
I feel so helpless and hopeless right now and having to fake happy is wearing on me. I’m capable of so much more, but my living situation holds me back from nearly all of it. Is there any place for me?