Obviously several things have gotten in the way of restful, restorative sleep for me, but I haven’t shared one. What prompted me to write this post was my daily phone check in with my therapist. I told her what has been troubling me for a few weeks now. I wasn’t keeping a secret, I just had to put it aside because of the medical avalanche I’ve been buried under.
I have been having times of sheer terror. If you’re new to my blog, I have complex PTSD. The strange part is, I feel like my body is foreign to me. Not just detached, but actually unfamiliar to me. I can look in the mirror and it still doesn’t hit me that I’m looking at myself. If anything, it upsets me further. This either started shortly before or right after my unpleasant visit with the new neurologist. My therapist said the timing would make sense, because ultimately I had been re-traumatized in a situation where I’ve been helpless before.
I just went to read the blog I wrote about that appointment and I seem to be so nonchalant about it. It seems strange now. Only a few days after, I had become thoroughly creeped out as I replayed the day in my mind. He absolutely was inappropriate! He did make me feel unsafe and vulnerable. I immediately cancelled the follow up appointment made for me and decided I’d tell my internist exactly what happened when I next saw her (which will be a few weeks from now).
I’ve been so wound up from the chaotic environment I live in and the pain that won’t go away, that I had pushed this aside and somehow made myself believe my “alien body” feelings and sudden attacks of anxiety were just random. Now the pieces come together.
Yeah, I do feel like I’m losing my mind most days. This whole post must seem bizarre to someone unfamiliar with panic and PTSD. Even for my friends, you may be questioning my sanity. I don’t expect others to get it and even knowing some who do, we can’t always relate. It’s a lonely disease.
I now see it as exactly what it is that’s going on: it’s a response to something traumatic. A scary response, but not terribly uncommon. Now I just need to figure out what I can do about it. Four unrestful hours of sleep is not cutting it.