Downplayed

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Stretching my legs out as I wait.

I was just posting to instagram, making calls and organizing my planner whilst my dad was in Trader Joe’s. This is a fairly regular routine. My dad’s car becomes my office. I can’t walk around stores or shop much for myself, especially with this recent increase in symptoms. I’ve overdone it when I’m being exceptionally stubborn and I pay big time for it, yet never learn my lesson! It’s a mentality learned from my parents. I grew up being told I was just “overly sensitive” or “being lazy” when I really just hurt. I didn’t have an effective way to get through to any adults about this. It’s still a struggle even now that I’m a big-mouthed, tough adult woman. I also learned as a kid that going to the ER was not an option. You can wait a few days to see a doctor or its simply not that bad. My parents didn’t mean harm. My dad mostly let my mother make these determinations and she has her own issues and a huge habit of downplaying sickness or pain, especially in another person, but even herself. I’ve had to personally call her doctor and “snitch” her symptoms to them so they’d force her to get medical attention!

I’d like to think Ive become more self-aware, but I’m still admittedly and notoriously bad at expressing my own needs and getting much needed help when necessary. It’s just so ingrained in me. I’m quick to tell a friend they need to take care of themselves and get help, but rarely take my own advice when I really should.

Anyway, the visiting nurse was supposed to come this afternoon, but called this morning to say that won’t be happening and someone else would be coming tomorrow instead and I’d hear from them at some point today. Even the nurse for my area gave me the impression she has no idea why I was referred because what could they possibly do for me? She’s kinda right, but only because my mother has forbidden anyone in her house for these purposes. I’ve been told repeatedly I qualify for a home health aide, but sadly, it will never happen in my current residence. There’s not much they could do for me anyway. As Ive said before, I’m essentially resigned to my bedroom on the second floor except for the daily trip downstairs to shower and collect any food or other items I need. I feel like a prisoner held against my will by a body I don’t even understand.

In good news, my pain cream is being delivered tomorrow! I just got a call from the compounding pharmacy and they said it would only cost me $10! I am so thrilled. I hope this is a better much better quality than the stuff I got from the place in Louisiana. It had so many tablet fragments in it, it tore my skin and was unusable. I think I still have the full bottle in my dresser.

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