None of the calls I was told to expect today came. I’m at a loss. My motivation is at a 0.5 and I’d need something big to boost it up. I’ve found myself feeling emotionally worn down. Grief hitting me in tiny bits, but it’s so unpleasant, I can’t even deal with more than a minute or 2 before I zone out or have to find a distraction. This complicates my situation.
I will see my orthopedic surgeon tomorrow afternoon. My dad said he’d load my manual wheelchair in the trunk and roll me on in. I hate not doing things for myself. I really hate it. I always have preferred to do things for myself. A little help? OK. Anything beyond that and I feel totally powerless and incapable of doing whatever it is myself. I’m picturing school projects or putting together Ikea furniture and I cringe. Now I can’t walk for myself. I feel worthless. Now, if I had accessible housing and could use my power chair, big difference! I could be OK with that! It is just not an option right now.
I’m still in a lot of pain, but notice a slight improvement. I still get sick after eating some of the time and my sleep is not on track. When I do sleep, I have nightmares thanks to PTSD. I have some medical-related PTSD issues, so that also complicates things quite a bit. Sometimes I don’t even have a memory to go with the bad feelings and that is the scariest.
I’m going to see how my appointment goes tomorrow and hopefully get some advice on my next steps! Fingers crossed!